Flashback: November 9th 2018

Old Salem House

Yesterday I was in Charleston, SC (and this morning) at this restaurant “Circa 1886” which was VERY fancy. I was there with Ola. The trip in whole was great. It reminded me if when we first met. It was easy and unforced. Then at dinner we started talking abt feelings etc. And she’s still treating me like I’m fragile, like I could break at any moment. B/c she still thinks I like her. I don’t know how I feel & I’m over it at this point. She’s ‘messing’ with 2 girls. And the thought of that makes me sick. Have i fallen for someone I’m not supposed to be with? AGAIN! Or am I in love with the idea of being in love AND what makes me sick is not being chosen AGAIN. I hate this feeling. And last night I hated my life. I want to be happy for her. But all i feel is contempt. Resentment and a cold heart. I feel sick and sad and like giving up. I’m mad at myself for even feeling this way. And writing isnt helping? Neither is therapy or yoga or meditation. I’m angry and sad and stuck and I HATE IT!

MY LIFE SUCKS. I’m never enough. Not even for myself.