Flashback: November 1st 2018

12:19am | Old Salem House

Good evening journal,

I hate this pen forreal. Kai is here and were back at the unhealthy behavior. It’s obviously partly my fault. I wanted to give our relationship the benefit of the doubt. We’d both changed and realized some shit. AND we genuinely love each other. I love hanging out with her. She is still dramatic and insecure. We argued tonight over her sleeping on the couch because she snores. She got drunk and pouty and then was ready to call a ride to come get her at midnight. Personally, I think that’s ridiculous. BUT I told her to just make a decision and I’d be fine with it.

She proceeded to talk about it for another 30 minutes. Restating the same things and then kept talking about something else and tried to sleep on the couch anyway. I’m not arguing. I keep going in and out of these crazy relationships. Looks like its time again to keep to myself. I let her back in too fast and too frequent. We still need space as friends and its clear she wants to be together. It was also not fair of me to talk about Ola to her. She helped me a lot but it’s not ok to keep hurting her. I love her and I don’t want to do that. I hope we can move forward as friends and that I’m strong enough to keep it that way.

I really like Ola, but I gotta let that shit go too. I think I’m the toxic one. What is for me will be mine. I don’t need to stress over anyone. I need to focus on my life and my health and thriving at being my authentic self and I’m SOOO looking forward to it.

P.S. I’ve been writing for 15 min and she already snoring.

*Names have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals.